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manventures
« on: February 27, 2017, 07:49:51 pm »
I am home alone this week since ara works late. I have decided to chronicle these events. Be advised, this is the first step on a journey I have yet to make. I expect things to get real. I also expect things to get fake.

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Re: manventures
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2017, 08:12:03 pm »
For my first real post, I will translate and comment on a recipe ara wrote for me on how to make rice. Warning, may contain metric system measurements.

= RICE =  she wrote it like this, with the lines and all. something equals rice equals what, ara? Not a good start

3 dl rice see: you are now a little infant without a mouth. How am I suppose to live off this? It's not even enough to leave on my plate when I'm done.

5 dl water see: your life is now an ocean. Comon babe, I'm not making soup here.

Seasoning see: alchemy.

Bring to boil/lid on see: make kitchen in to nuclear reactor. Sounds unsafe. Better leave the kitchen while the food boils and write on paragraphite for an inappropriately long time.

Down to 2 see: down to 2. Not everything is hilarious.

Stir occasionally see: you are now a slave to the puffs of this cauldron.





For any of you wondering, the rice was good. I seasoned it with seasme oil and onion powder afterward, turns out it smells like sourcream and onion chips and makes it taste like rice.

Thanks for an awesome recipie, babe. Please come home soon, I can't find the flushing function on the toilet.

ps. there's a surprise for you in the toilet. It smells a bit like sourcream and onion.

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Re: manventures
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2017, 03:01:41 pm »
There people. I hope you're happy.

I just made myself some food on the stove and it KILLED all my illusions!

Usually I'm by the computer while Ara makes food. I used to us the term "make food" lightly because it's not like she brings it from inedible to gourmet. BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE DOES!

Did you guys know that the food isn't heated when you buy it? I thought she put it in the pan because that's how you add the smell, and that's why the kitchen smells so good when she's cooking. Turns out that is the smell of food that isn't hot becoming hot! Like, if you have a tomato, and it's all normal, like a big ginger plum, you have to do things to it to make it warm! Sometimes Ara will bring the food to the table and I'll be like "Yeah, but I just scrolled through a few videos and clicked on some of them and they weren't instantly gratifying and then I had no time because you said we are going to eat, so basically, we've done the same amount of work, me clicking and you putting smell into the food."

but i was WRONG!

Making food takes effort.

You know those packets of hamburgers that you buy? Not only do the majority of them not contain bread as advertised on the picture, but they're not charred! You have to do that yourself and if you're not good at it there is no save point! Now you have to eat coal between buns that you also have to buy! Don't even get me started on the bread. It doesn't bounce when you throw it on the table like in the commercials. Neither does a cloud of flour magically appear to add a quaint film of white to the kitchen. If you throw it, and you do so with passion, you're basically just making pancakes like a man. But then you have to eat them like a little child because you're crying and trauma-flattened bread pancakes suck. They're dry. And your tears don't moist them because tears are salty. Did you guys know that? I never seasoned things with my tears before today. I hate trauma flattened bread pancakes soaked in tears, but I had to fill my macros! Macros means food for those of you who don't lift. So basically everyone on the weekend.

Being a part-time bachelor sucks.

ps. there is something smelling of coal in the bathroom for you when you come home, babe. haven't found the flushing function yet. Is it when you pull the shower curtain to the side?

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Re: manventures
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2017, 09:38:26 pm »
Me again. Ara is working the late shift and I'm at home trying not to die. This is not emotional 90's death I'm talking about. I am trying not to pass on from exposure.

Exposure to hunger! I have no problem with exposing myself. I think I'd actually gain health from that.

I wish I had a cool story about how I killed a vegetarian bear, since I don't eat meat. Which would probably be a pumpkin with cucumbers for legs and it'd still be an even fight (do you guys KNOW what four cucumbers can do to a person? especially a man. I mean, we can entertain two, and then the other two would just be beating us during. Rude.) But alas, I have no epic on how I got my food today. Ara had made stroganoff for me. She told me to warm it up. I ate it cold and it was delicious. I think I spiced it with rebellion! I am hardcore to the vegetarian bone! Which would probably just be stale celery holding up wet tofu, right?

Usually I'd just clock out, up and down head-wise, and watch porn. Politically correct porn, mind you. Which is basically one gray square folding in on itself before it says yes. People say I should just get the gif, but I payed for it, that's how PC I am. I want to help that gray square through shapes collage, so that it can be a circle one day. Don't judge it. It is well aware of its askew body image but that's its own battle, not yours!

So yes, I did not clock out. I procrastinated and now I'm not gonna get the nine hours of sleep that I was planning on! Man, life is hard without your wifey.

Been thinking on getting an oversized knitted sweater with a deep v-ring, you know, like anime guys have, all sternum-showing and all. Summer is coming up here in ever-winter, and I figure I could wear something less than five layers. Whaddia think? Keep in mind I can still keep away the summer snow with an umbrella provided it isn't windy that day.

Just come home, babe.